"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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