Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
