I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
