Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
