Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
