Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
