I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
