Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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