I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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