My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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