mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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