I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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