You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
