I just pynch a tree in the face
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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