Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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