I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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