this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
