I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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