you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
