i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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