i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
