We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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