Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
