You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
