I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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