why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
