after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
