I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
