you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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