I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
