A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
