I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
