his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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