My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
