I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
