how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
