are you still at the devil's house?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
