Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
