i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
