So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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