i think my mom watched the whole time
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
