it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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