Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
