As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
