I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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