How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
