you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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