At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
