did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just saw a hot homeless man
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
