im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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